A Little Sentimental

Wish I was old and a little Sentimental.  A much is written about happier times. If i had an option of not writing then i would have probably never written this post. That would be an unfair judgment. The only thing that i took out of this episode was a realization. The realization that I have changed so much. Well all these years with all the company I had I thought i had grown a metal heart. I was emotional but wasnt sentimental. I’ve lived my life by ripping on people. Being a pain in their life had given me an immense pleasure inside. I know i am at my poor best in writing here. Perhaps i cannot congrue my thoughts. They are random. How did i get so volatile and how did i crack? The question was self asked and the answer was gotten. I am deeply in love and there are some things i care about so much. And so when things fall so out of place the feelings get stiffing. I know i have been mistaken but the mind cannot relay the same to the fucking heart.

The past week was gruesome. I was doling out multiple roles of a software engineer at office and a chauffeur out of it. One of my old time Hyderabad friend had showed up and he was putting up wid me. But i remember i was so excited to meet Tinku and Karuna over the weekend. I had wanted that for so long. Plans were made and they looked foolproof to me. Something that my idiot mind takes for granted. May be the child inside of me is always trying to sprout out.

Saturday we met. I mean me and Tinku for a movie. Transformers I was one of my all time favourite. So i wanted to see the second part asap. I am sure it made lil sense to Tinku. Ankit and Sandy and even Karuna were supposed to join us in the evening.

The meeting happened. I also had a surprised company. Prateek. College pal. A fellow counter strike clan member and a band mate. We discussed music and college. I could see the ladies getting bored to death. I couldnt help myself. It was too awkward a situation for me. We had a dinner at THE ZEN and we departed. Karuna wasnt happy i am sure. That night we didnt speak. Rather she didnt wanted to.  I had this feeling inside me that something is missing. Something isnt well. The stars were out of place. I know Karuna. She hides a lot of things from me. She would never tell me if shez offended. I know I sometimes open up without reason. I sai a lot many things. Those that can hurt. Something similar might have happened wid her too. The conscience was at war wid sleep. The night would not pass away. I was awaiting the sun. It would bring a new day. Also it would bring Karuna to Gurgaon. She had an exam here. A part of the plan that i spoke about earlier was to meet her, get her to the examination center.

Plans change. The same happened to mine. But it didnt lowered my excitement. Karuna’s bade Papa and Mummy had come to Delhi. They wished to meet me. So did I. I conjured up images of an all family meet. It was one of the hottest day here. I still braved it. I so much wanted to see Karuna. I dont know why. Perhaps last night’s emotional toil needed me to see her.

All through I was sure shez gonna come. It never occurred to me otherwise. I had no reasons to think otherwise. But she didnt showed up. A terrible ecstasy. Shez again given me a surprise. More of a shock i muss say. Meeting my parents was great. And greater was the void. I was like fire from inside and an ice outside. I did justice to my role. I played my part well. And i was certainly glad that my in laws did take out time to meet me. It doesnt take me long to break any ice. I was like a usual son to them. Devoid of the shyness and first time formalities. I love it simple and genuine. I cannot be out of my usual skin.

The detour to Gurgaon in Metro was pain. I had tears in my eyes. I was surrounded by some unknown guilt. As if i was fucking punished. The reasons were unknown. I didnt had an answer to what did i do or go wrong to deserve this. I never feel low. But i was now. The bike ride back from Dwarka was bad. I was thinking a too many a things. I had juss escaped a narrow hit wid the divider. I stopped. Took a pause. Calmed myself and rode back. There was no one to talk to. It was in some way good. My roommate had move out permanently. It was too hard to spend the time i had in hand. I played my guitar.It was a little solace.I slept that day tears in my eyes. I so badly wanted to get over all of these negativity.

Some help please! Anyone! None. I only wish i forget this as soon as possible. May be i’ll delete this post some time soon.