I remember how much emphasis we gave to the India Shining campaign a couple of years back. Though I never had a deep faith and belief in it. For me it was like a political manifesto to create a feel good factor for wearied Indians to look good and feel happy. And this political manifesto passed on from one government to another. It was never a story of my India.

On the contrary from the place I look I saw rising living index and depreciating living conditions. I saw never before like standards of misgovernance, scams, political stratagems and corruption. I saw the apex bodies in the Indian judicial system marred with allegations of amassing wealth out of perennial bribes. I saw the sensex rising to new found heights on one hand and at the same time farmers in Andhra and even Punjab committing suicide. I saw the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. For me the campaign was smeared with flavours of false hope, promises and projections of a hypothetical India that never existed.

The real India tells us a different story. It shocks me to find out how an entire state government and even the central government lay puppet when the Khap panchayats in Haryana and UP resort to honour killings. No act can be more coward and barbaric than stoning to death a woman who had chosen her own man in her life. The governments choose to stay mute as they are afraid to revoke the caste sentiments of the Khaps and in turn loose their vote banks. I often used to hear that ‘Neutrality in times of crisis is the gravest act of cowardice’. What better example can our governments set than this?

Coming to speak of corruption and malpractices in governance it would baffle anyone to know the amount of money stacked in foreign banks in various undercover accounts of our politicians, bureaucrats, high profile government officials and corporations. The statistics around that money sends a chill down my swine and leaves me in disbelief. A combined loss of over 2, 00,000 crore INR to the exchequer since independence! And each day a new scam is unearthed. And each day India moves over the previous one. It is as if we had stopped to care and accepted this as our standards of existence.  Gosh! Indian politicians can spin out money from practically anything be it organizing international sports competition, in auctioning spectrum, in fudging economic indicators on Dalal street, to even in creating habitat societies for our war widows. A new scam is unearthed almost every week and interestingly most of these scams are picked up by the media rather than any of our proud investigating agencies or people who are responsible to monitor our financial activities.

India shining for me is definitely not the rich prospering and more Indians getting added to the Forbes list of billionaires. It is about self sustenance for our villages, equality to our women, social security, employment and empowerment to masses, health and education to every citizen, involving distinguished citizens and civil societies in parallel governance to check corruption and malpractices, strengthening our judiciary and stricter guidelines to implement the word of law and cleansing our legislative of ineffective leaders.

For me the present age is one of an awakening where Indian citizens are at least involving themselves more like never before in the state of affairs. The youth of the country have been prompt in supporting people movements in support of killers of Jessica Lal and getting the accused punished, they have stood by Ruchika Girhotra’s friend Aradhana to get the DGP of Chandigarh SPS Rathore to trial and sentence in case of molestation. And of very late the country has vehemently supported and stood by a septuagenarian Anna Hazare who had sat on a fast until death top fight against the prevailing system of graft in governance. Never before since independence has India rallied in silent protest and support towards principles of Gandhiji. From the place I see I can see an India ready for a civil movement against the evil of the society if needed be.

This is a moment of realization for the citizens of this country. This is an hour of awakening. The problems that India faces today aren’t limited to one individual or section of a society. It is universally affecting each and every citizen who have had enough now. This is a moment of reckoning. After all I am truly optimistic that we together as people of a great nation can steer our nation out of its current perils by acts of solidarity and unity. Nothing would be impossible when the billion plus force of the country have a common objective.

India needs a total overhaul of the anti-corruption delivery system. I believe that the country immediately needs a statutory, effective and independent investigating and prosecuting multidisciplinary agency led by independent professionals searched, and not merely appointed and barred for some years from re-employment, to ward off political vagaries.

Hong Kong was in a similar situation of rampant corruption in 1970s. People took to streets. The island was forced to set up an Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) with functional autonomy, headed by men and women of merit, drawn from many disciplines. And it cleaned up the system. To begin with, they dismissed scores of top level cops. Today, Hong Kong is one of the most honest countries.

Hoping my awakened India make it to that level of honesty and integrity. India awakening to its malaises is India shining in its truest form.

A certain Arrun died some days back. No big deal. It was a sudden death though. Just the kind of death a fatal attraction brings to a moth encircling the light of a candle. It knows its fate. Still it cannot overcome the lust for light. Sometime I wonder why would I suffer the same fate. Where did the moth go wrong. All it did was love. Where did the candle go wrong. Its in its fate to burn and make light for others.Where did I go wrong.

Love according to me is not just a feeling expressed through heart and eyes. It is a sensation. I am both weakened and strengthened by it. Love is a tough test. And i am not schooled enuff to take it. I know i would fail miserably. Meet the date of the moth. Still i canyt control it. Still I cant stay away from it. Still I want that sensation to happen again. If i fall let it be falling in love.

I am a bit rusted now. Experience, deceit, stratagems and age has shown me a lot of things. Waned a lot of my skin too. It is a lot hard for me to trust people now than it was before. Still for love i gave myself away. Only to rust further. Winter has withered me. Winter has always been a harbinger of pain. And what did I do to deserve this. Perhaps my reason will fail to answer.

Life is strange. So are people. Sayin words in moments of truth are easy. To mean them in actuality is always harder. Probably i deserved a little more or should have expected a little less. And the end of it all is that I am not happy. In days when i should have been most. And still the propensity of my love is the same. The passion is same. I know i can bow down one more time. I had always. I didn’t mind it in the past nor will I now. Not in the future even. But I certainly want to know how much I am cared for.

I think i did everything to make a certain someone feel special. Love was one of those things. But now i realize I’ve failed. And this is always hard to digest.

And y am i writing this. Penning down things takes three things out of me. My pain, frustration and sometimes tears. I feel a certain lighter and calmer. The bowel feels a lot better and eyes wash out a little less.

It is in my veins to rust.

I wonder what has happened to my blogging habits. I have been for so long blogging secretly about my dates. And nothing else. No ripping on Indians and politicians, no stupid picture postings, no mocking random people and friends and growing a thousand times sober.

I muss say i love my new found writing tendencies. I write them for a reason. I write them today to read em tomorrow and remember them again. And always think how god has always graced me . That i had such a great life all the while. Old age can wane out memories of youth. Not if i write em all. Perhaps when i am 70. I would get a chance to turn these electronic feeds on and feel happy and youthful. Perhaps the world will see a 70+ couple at a bench in Connaught Place still having Ice cream at Gelato’s and ordering cold coffees.

26th July 2009: Arun waited for Karuna for almost 45 minutes. Furious! Yea he was a little. I muss have circled the inner circle thrice. I swear everthing subsided the moment i saw Karuna. She was looking exceptional. But still on her heels? Gosh! When will her complex end? She is so conscious all the time. The idiot knows not that I juss love  her and not anything else.

Yes we met at CP only. Big Deal! There are places people attach themselves to. CP was one such place for us. Karuna had moved to Noida so it was a first time experience for her to come to CP from there. Well…. We had no time for a relaxed lunch and so we set straight to West Gate Mall to see the afternoon movie we’d planned.

Grabbed a quick pizza lunch there. We were already late. Ran into theatre where the screening had already begun. This time we were watching Ice Age 3. In HINDI. Gosh what a beautiful time I had with her holding her hand and feeling her as my own. I love when she holds me tight. I get a supernatural strength. I wish she never leaves me. She gently stashes me when i make a funny bone about Ashok and Mamta. I love her issssshtyle and her smile.

Her roomate Kalpana joined us after the movie. We did a lot of stuffs here and there to spend our time. Wheeled away free time at the CCD, played Ice hockey, talked a lot about this and that. She carried a photo album of her home in Agra. The pics were great. She had one great family. We had dinner at Moti Mahal and then saw off Kalpana.

Me and Karuna went to CP from there to have our facourite Ice cream at the Gelato. I was resisting cuz it was late. She was insisting cuz she wanted to. A perfect day..

The only downstuff was the sudden mood swing of Karuna. She certainly must have been irked by some of my chant-lings. Or may be she was occupied with some other concern she was unwilling to share. I pestered her a lot. Something i’ve never done before. I sincerely hope i didnt do anything to offend my sweetheart. I canyt see her pale face. I love her so much. I pray she forgives me.

I got her diary from her. I read that the same night. Wasnt able to sleep.  While i was reading it I could clearly make out what a sweet and innocent soul she was. So concerned with her studies, so caring for her family, so simple and sentimental. She was such a kind hearted soul who never made a noise about anything but whoz always accepted both good and bad things. She had been a lot low on confidence too. I swear this is something I am gonna teach her to overcome. She would find a new strength in me. Since shez mine and I have always been the irrational brat there are goona be some changes. I made a lot of other resolves as well. I am gonna love mi sweetheart with all my heart and for ever. And all the things she had missed all these years are gonna come back to her. Shez gonna rewind and live her life again. This time wid me and without complains. I would love her beyond all means. I swear this to miself n i write this to always remind myself of this.

I hope I can only understand how she muss have felt when their home in Agra was sold. I could imagine the attachments and the memories she had with it. I could see the pain in her words. I wish me and Karuna can make some big money in our life. I wish we can buy Karuna’s home back.

She has missed a lot of marriages and fun. She is gentle enough to respect her family. I swear I am gonna take her to the most amazing places in India that would treat her eyes. I swear I am gonna sing her to make her smile. I pledge my lifelong honesty, loyality and integrity to her.

The hand of God is moving. And the blessed fingers points towards me. I am the destiny’s child. I am sure my wishes are gonna come true.

Off late a lot of things has happenned. Lifes back on track. Things were going great. The week at work was superb. I got the best employee award for my dedication and work for the existing quater. Mi miss lucky charm was doing wonders to my life. A success dedicated to my sweetheart. And i was once again awaiting the weekend to come so that we could meet again.

It would be stupid if i write we met at CP again. And it would be more stupid if i say I was before time and once again waited for her. Neverthless the first smile of her was pricier than the wait. God i love her so much. So much i love to spend time with her. Shez no less than an Angel.

Life was also changing for Karuna.  She too was a little perturbed wid her career. Well my entry in her lyf had cost her her job. I know i was never lucky for others. Still she had all the talent to brave my ill-luck.

Karuna had a new job as a lecturer in an MBA college. We needed to celebrate it big time. Once again we met where we were supposed to meet. Caught up at 12 at CP. Had an Italian
Pizza lunch at Papa Johns. Moved to Rajaouri Garden’s West Gate Mall via Delhi Metro to see a movie. Managed to get 2 tickets for New York. She wanted to see it bad. I was more than glad. She is my bollywood queen. She had toothed me some songs. Well stuffs that would have made me a laughing stock among my friends. They would have called me GAY.  Well now it bothers me no more. Happiness that Karuna gets has taken the front row. Everything else can fuck off. I have changed. I remember i had a playlist to play all the songs she wired to me. I know how she wanted me to feel. I can say I feel the same way. I am growing as sensible and sensitive as she is.

The movie experience this time was much better than the one we saw some weeks before. She liked the movie I am sure.Also saw her trying herself with Momos(A silly burmese fast food that is the second reason for tears in my eyes and happiness at heart). I swear i could give anything to see her eat em. Her cheeks get super red. So do her lips. And her eyes. They seem they gonna bulge out. I love that expression. Miss Million Dollar Smile is so mesmerizing.

Now the Funniest part: The stint wid a Palmist. I juss pointed to the silly stall put up by two anonymous no ones. She was bent that we do a palm consultation. I was out of place. Thought she was kidding. She dragged me there. She is such a cydee. Makes me do everything i had a bone about. But i love her when she forces me. I could sense her love. I could sense her feeling of acceptance. God i love my luck. So lucky to have her.

I loved that whole thing and whatever the reader said. It gave me a lot of stuffs to rip on her. Well i thrive on that. What can be more pleasing to mock her and then say her that i love her. Her smile makes a perfect weekend for me. I am so prepared to take my work on weekdays. I am so strengthened.

We came back to CP for the evening adda. Called up Sarthak to join us. He came. Was great to catch up wid him. He was meeting Karuna for the first time and all that we did was talk Hyderabad and our endeavors. We smiled, we had a laugh riot.

Sarthak on the way back said how wonderful he found Karuna to be and how lucky I was to have her. Ditto were my feelings. He said “Salle hamesha dhayan rakhna uska. Tu bahut lucky hai salle.Sahii hai Woh”. Words that would forever echo.

Once again a great day and an amazing date. I am humbled and bowled. I canyt explain how happy and lucky i consider myself to have Karuna as my would be life partner. A New Found Joy that knows not to yield.

Wish I was old and a little Sentimental.  A much is written about happier times. If i had an option of not writing then i would have probably never written this post. That would be an unfair judgment. The only thing that i took out of this episode was a realization. The realization that I have changed so much. Well all these years with all the company I had I thought i had grown a metal heart. I was emotional but wasnt sentimental. I’ve lived my life by ripping on people. Being a pain in their life had given me an immense pleasure inside. I know i am at my poor best in writing here. Perhaps i cannot congrue my thoughts. They are random. How did i get so volatile and how did i crack? The question was self asked and the answer was gotten. I am deeply in love and there are some things i care about so much. And so when things fall so out of place the feelings get stiffing. I know i have been mistaken but the mind cannot relay the same to the fucking heart.

The past week was gruesome. I was doling out multiple roles of a software engineer at office and a chauffeur out of it. One of my old time Hyderabad friend had showed up and he was putting up wid me. But i remember i was so excited to meet Tinku and Karuna over the weekend. I had wanted that for so long. Plans were made and they looked foolproof to me. Something that my idiot mind takes for granted. May be the child inside of me is always trying to sprout out.

Saturday we met. I mean me and Tinku for a movie. Transformers I was one of my all time favourite. So i wanted to see the second part asap. I am sure it made lil sense to Tinku. Ankit and Sandy and even Karuna were supposed to join us in the evening.

The meeting happened. I also had a surprised company. Prateek. College pal. A fellow counter strike clan member and a band mate. We discussed music and college. I could see the ladies getting bored to death. I couldnt help myself. It was too awkward a situation for me. We had a dinner at THE ZEN and we departed. Karuna wasnt happy i am sure. That night we didnt speak. Rather she didnt wanted to.  I had this feeling inside me that something is missing. Something isnt well. The stars were out of place. I know Karuna. She hides a lot of things from me. She would never tell me if shez offended. I know I sometimes open up without reason. I sai a lot many things. Those that can hurt. Something similar might have happened wid her too. The conscience was at war wid sleep. The night would not pass away. I was awaiting the sun. It would bring a new day. Also it would bring Karuna to Gurgaon. She had an exam here. A part of the plan that i spoke about earlier was to meet her, get her to the examination center.

Plans change. The same happened to mine. But it didnt lowered my excitement. Karuna’s bade Papa and Mummy had come to Delhi. They wished to meet me. So did I. I conjured up images of an all family meet. It was one of the hottest day here. I still braved it. I so much wanted to see Karuna. I dont know why. Perhaps last night’s emotional toil needed me to see her.

All through I was sure shez gonna come. It never occurred to me otherwise. I had no reasons to think otherwise. But she didnt showed up. A terrible ecstasy. Shez again given me a surprise. More of a shock i muss say. Meeting my parents was great. And greater was the void. I was like fire from inside and an ice outside. I did justice to my role. I played my part well. And i was certainly glad that my in laws did take out time to meet me. It doesnt take me long to break any ice. I was like a usual son to them. Devoid of the shyness and first time formalities. I love it simple and genuine. I cannot be out of my usual skin.

The detour to Gurgaon in Metro was pain. I had tears in my eyes. I was surrounded by some unknown guilt. As if i was fucking punished. The reasons were unknown. I didnt had an answer to what did i do or go wrong to deserve this. I never feel low. But i was now. The bike ride back from Dwarka was bad. I was thinking a too many a things. I had juss escaped a narrow hit wid the divider. I stopped. Took a pause. Calmed myself and rode back. There was no one to talk to. It was in some way good. My roommate had move out permanently. It was too hard to spend the time i had in hand. I played my guitar.It was a little solace.I slept that day tears in my eyes. I so badly wanted to get over all of these negativity.

Some help please! Anyone! None. I only wish i forget this as soon as possible. May be i’ll delete this post some time soon.

Well a lot of times i have been asked, provoked and even i have been thoughtful of writing down my story. Off course I always wanted to cuz certainly at some point of time I would always like to detour and go back in time and try to reminisce this story of mi life. The story of Me and Karuna. A thing that began as a atypical desi ishtyle meeting but that has taken the shape of a strong bond of love and respect.

Lemme give it a name. Let me not. Probably because Karuna has already given it. Lemme call it “The beginning of a Bond that Strengthens Everyday”..

And herez the story. I may at some point in time get a lil philosophical but kindly bear.

Our relationship with our partner shapes who we are, who we love, and why. It can be our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. How we find our relationship depends on how we perceive, handle and value it. If there’s one thing I learned about love, that is ACCEPTANCE. Love is not only merely sacrifice but also acceptance.

How simple can a love story be? Our’s is an example of one. I always thought that the weirdest concept in any relationship is Love at first sight. I am no thinking genius and I have been wrong many a times. So was I when i met Karuna for the first time. More than love it was a feeling of acceptance. I was more than willing to accept her in my life. She had everything I had expected. Many time more than i could have asked for. It was an instant and impromptus moment of attraction towards her. It was one of the most memorable moment that i had. It was something that we both witnessed, felt and dealt and something we could never write. It was a moment of love at first sight.

If i want to end I could end here cuz thats pretty much our story. Simple short and sweet. However lemme carry on. For one small story spawns a series of tales and episodes that go on to foster and strengthen the bond that we had developed.

By the way it was 29th March of 2009 that we met at Akshardham Temple, Noida along with a few of our respective family members. What was it? It was an India ishtyle boy-meets-girl and vice versa. Outcome of the zuzamen! I said Yes and so did she. An exact 21 dayz later on 19th of April we got engaged. Well we never exchanged a word in between. That is a test love demands. And the prize was the union. A perfect one. Not only of two independent and retro individuals but also of two families.

So all the atypical bollywood elements went missing from our story. No pen/notebooks falling in college canteens and a candid eye exchange when both the guy and girl stoop to pick em up. No poor guy-rich lass fallin for one another after a lil few tiffs and dances/songs. No prospective Dad’s first outrightly rejecting the proposition cause of its sheer insanity but later with both a feeling of guild and realization, accepting the fate. No villians, no kidnaps, no compulsion for our heroine to jump out of the window and leave her house, no need for for our hero to grow those extra biceps to take on a dozen men bicycle kicking them and coming out of the fight unscathed and unscarred and the subsequent happy-go-treeing around song. How can then our story which has all the magic masalas missing be that special. Well read on as i have the answers.

We’ve probably built up all our stories on one element. The element of SURPRISE. Hardly has there been a date/incident when we havent surprised each other. I muss accept that as far as shocks are concerned i have been on the receiving side a few more times than she. Whether it be prank calls by Karuna’s sis pretending to be her, whether its me heightening and threatening about the consequences. Whether it be a pair of roses that marked our first date and had the lady’s face in splits in awe. Whether it be Karuna’s appearing in a certain form of clothing (I hope that certain someone knows what i have been hinting at) and surprising me to making me feel like a complete idiot. Gosh! I swear every story had a surprise and we loved to look at the bedazzled countenance of each other every time we had it. I muss say the element of surprise keeps the memories alive for a long time. The love too was growing. We realized we were in love. More every time. The bar kept rising every day.

Well certainly the list doesnt end here. Probably if everything is written then it takes away the excitement of looking back and remembering things. And i would always want to look back at those wonder times and connect people,places,occassion and most important the feelings.

I think my story is one great one. The canvass (Me and Karuna) looks great and we are a lot similar inspite of the towering taste differences that we have.

If you are wondering about the goofed up title and trying to reason with it you may as well waste time. But if getting the initial set context correct please go on to read ahead.

Summer. I always hated em. More than anything else. They make me do a lot of things that i get pissed of with. Summer this time around were a heavy punishment. Everythingz dried up. And There is no respite. The week at work has been great. An absolutely wonderful presentation that i gave (it drew a lot of appreciation ), plus a couple of other important work that i did were really significant and made me more important. Happier even. Friday evening was a day of deadlocks, mindgames, logic and permutations. My brain was in a dizzy when i was returning home. But then there was something i was so much waiting for. The Conversations. The ones in which I do the talking and shes does all the listening and complaining. Yet i love to talk to her. Yet she loves to listen to me. And hence our love grows stronger with each passing day.

Contrary to the last weekend, this time certainly there were a lot of things in place. I was, yes supposed to go on a date wid Karuna on Saturday. We had planned for full day starting noon. I knew she would be late. I dont blame her. I know how difficult it is for her to manage it all. Her weekdays run into saturdays too. Still she chose to come and gimme a company. While i was in CP waiting for her, something stuck me. Some old time Hyderabad stuff. Meanwhile i met Karuna. It had been a long time. I had waited for so much. The smile swayed all anguish. We went shopping. We got ourselves a van Heusen Shirt and a Top for her. A leather ladies belt too. I was quite surprised at the moving fashion trends of female belts. They were growing as thin as girls dream waist size. Gosh I hate fashion. . God I am so hypocrite and out of words. Ahem!

And how does all these things connects with the title of the post. Well the word is patience. I mean it if patience would prevail the divine answers would flow.

Highlights of the date: I get to see a lot of different emotions and expressions. I could see her frown and smile, laugh and frustration, whine and get surprised. Her countenance that were eager to listen to something that i was holding, to the funny ones where she was holding things to surprise me. But all her moods had a thing in common. Her innocence. That i could make her from her eyes. Trust me they never lie.I mean her eyes. Nor do my judgement about them.

It all started with the usual meeting and the all time arrival apology. To the ones for whom this is a context an arrival apology is defined as a series of sorries that Karuna utters when she meets Arun everytime. The reason. She always keeps me waiting. So she has to. But i dont mind that. To me the wait is worth the date. And the best part is that i could see how I have changed for good. From the impatient buffs of anger at things being not in place and time i had matured to accept disorder. Well about the date. Karuna gifted me a shirt. I think she really got me one of the best but then she was all frowning and fuming for God knows what. Didnt philosophers of yesteryear had said that its impossible to understand girls. They were so fucking right.

She loves Chinese. Not the people but the food. I love what she loves. We decided to have lunch at “THE ZEN”. A certain Chinese restaurant at CP.  The food was great. I dont think i need to write about what all we were talking. We talk absolute rubbish all the time. . We are great with that. At least we are spared of the unwanted emotional turmoils. And plus i didnt had much to talk about. I was juss looking at her. And then something happenned that gave me a million smiles inside. While I was clicking she was emoting. All possible kinds of em. A thousand emotions on a single pretty face. I thought i have as many resons to live and be happy about. The sore bulge when shez sad, the love laden anger frown, the laughings, the smilings, the squintings and the scowlings. Could there had been more? Perhaps yes. She looked more pretty each time my eyes rolled on her. She has a heart of gold i must say. So pure and sans malign. A perfect fittment into my family. I thought a lot of things. I was extremely happy about em all. I thought i had found mi old self once again with her. The past few months in Gurgaon forced me to live a second hand life. Things were changing now. The mirth inside me was desperate to guzzle out. And it was indeed!

We went to India Gate from there. I would not write about that. Perhaps its best to censor stupidity. Well the stupidity being rowing in a 10 feet by 10 feet dirty water in broad daylight and scorching sun. Didnt i said shez even stupid. And her stupidity is infinite. Hope she never reads this. A bigger hope. Hope she doesnt comes chasing to kill me after reading this.

Came back again to CP and there we were at CCD. This time it was great. College and pep talks did the rounds along with mineral waters and cold coffees. We saw another similar semi indian ishtyle prospective grrom meets girl on the chairs opposite. Needless to say it sent us back in our times. We discussed our first meeting. Another pointer to her stupidity.

Karuna gifted me a Magic Mug. How did i find it. Well there is another story of SURPRISE and STUPIDITY here that i would rather love to remember then write. Her gift melted me. My face, my feelings and my heart. A chill went down my spine. It said “She loves me so much. She cares. I”ll do anything to have her for myself. Juss to have her for myself”.

Gosh she is so gentle and humble. My Miss Million Dollar Smile. If emotions were CASH i would have earned a billion dollars that day. And i would love to swear that I loved and remember each and every of em. I am sure i’ll get to see a lot of em a lot of times. They will be a fuel to my happiness.

The following day i.e Sunday was spennt wid Anlur. We saw a movie. Well i dont think it is relevant anymore. I end here.

For the Nerds
* CP= Connaught Place
* CCD= Cafe Coffee Day

I woke up today in despair. Even though the usual morning hour saw my eyes wide open and embracing a new day i didnt feel like getting up. It was a Sunday still nothing effervescent about it. Felt bad for sure. The past makes things worse. I remembered how back some time we used to get up, gather and make plans for a perfect Sunday brunch, the movies, the evening adda and the nightouts. Yea we had work the following day but who cared. Weekends were like pills. They killed the ennui generated by a week long work like nothing else. Even though the place we stayed was too artificial and we were away from home but still we were an even minded bunch of folks, conjoined with the feeling to celebrate and have fun.

And then it was today. I had a fucking long week. Worked for almost 14-15 hours a day and the work was no worse than a killer. Even the aspirin gave up. But there was a gleam that appeared all the time the moment i was reminded of the weekend and my supposed meeting wid Karuna. It been a while we’ve met. Been close to three weeks. Not that i am too eager or dying to but then i like to make plans and when they dont materialize i feel helpless. I for sure had parked of other requests from mi collegues for a weekend bowl. Now everythings fucked up.

I still woke up wid a horrible mood. Didnt feel like doing anything. Grabbed the morning newspaper. Well came to know it was Father’s Day today. Called up dad and wished him. And then a lil talk about this and that. Things that were trivial. The newspaper also forecasted a super hot day. It didnt seem so looking outside for there was a momentum in the air.

I dont know i killed my morning. Played my Menace and read a couple of pages of the book m reading. But sunday’s arent supposed to do that. I figured out that i am destined to rot. Slept again. This time forcibly. So that the sleep may make this time fly. Woke up to an anguish and frustration. I thought i had slept enough. The clock juss advanced by half an hour. It was noon now and it became really super hot. Damn the predictions. Everything has to be so messed up.

I didnt know what to do. But i certainly thought i wont let this build up inside of me. I wasnt meant to sulk. I wasnt able to digest these changes. Plugged my Ipod to the ear and selected the black metal playlist. The other night i was talking to Priyankar and knowing that he has to work like an ass in India’s one of the largest back i commented ” Dude i know life’s a bitch. You should either know how to fuck it or deal wid it”. Guess i better practise than preach. For at least i could amuse myself more than he can. The two hour or so of black metal play gave me a lil strength and + energy. But where do i fucking use it.

Slept again. Woke up and came out. Gazed at the lawn while the lawnman was tidying it. Played mi guitar again and read the same book. I waited for something which eventually never happened. I thought i had to wait more. I think i have that patience.

And thats how a fucked up weekend can be. And that too wid Me.

Well a perfect song from Porcupine Tree to describe these retarded feelings

“I’m finding it hard to hang from a star
I don’t wanna be…Never wanna be old.
Sullen and bored I stay
And in this way wish away each day
I don’t really know
If I care what is normal
And I’m not really sure
If the pills I’ve been taking are helping
I’m wasting my life
Hurting inside
I don’t really know
And I’m not really sure…”

The things that i am writing here arent a fancy romantic soiree that could send tear jolts down the eyes or blows to the heart. The words and writings are totally non fabricated and incongruous. However they arent meaningless. Cuz i dont write them for a poetic or prosaic fancy rather to let my fingers type from whatever signals they get from the brain while it reminisces some of the most wonderful moments spent in time.

It was something that was being anticipated for about a month. And it wasnt planned as things are supposed to. The very reason it was to happen made me feel so remarkably lucky and happy. So much so that it gave me kicks days before this was to happen. When i said Ankur about the how i wished if he could come here and meet me and Karuna off came his prompt reply ” I am coming Bhai”. And Ankur aint known for budging his words.

There are somethings that i could not wait for. And this was one of em. I canyt remember when was i this desperate last. The kicks never settled but finally the day came and with it died all the cornucopia surrounding it. We met yet again. We talked things at length and we were so happy to see each other again. We went to our favourite hangout. We sipped cold coffees and talked past. We played together and wish that we lose to one another. Ankur has always meant much more than i could describe to me.

The highlight of the visit was however yet to come. We were to meet our respective loves for a dinner in Delhi. Rinku joined Ankur and i went to pick up Karuna from her place. Well if the details of how that happened are shared I would probably get a divorce for over exaggeration. I will keep it simple. I was circling the same corners, asking every oder fella about a place that i wasnt supposed to get to and then kept waiting at a non descript place to meet her but incidentally she never came.

We met however though. It was a great respite. The very look of her made all the toil vanish. I was so ecstatic to get her along and join the folks waiting. Arriving somewhere but still finding ways was now not meant to be.

The candlelight dinner that we had lighted up my entire spirits. Sitting beside her and mi best pal was more than what i could have ever dreamed of. No work of joy could define it. An extremely pounding heart was a obvious anatomical gesture. I could see her wink and i could see her smile. From the nearest distance. I could see her countenance change everytime she looked at me and everytime she listened to me. I could see the joy and love. She was by my side and she was wid me on the ride. She seemed to enjoi and she looked exuberant. She laughed more than a couple of times and i knew it wasnt false. And my day was made.

Didnt wanted to part ways wid her. Still we had to. She gave me a parting gift. I frowned. She looked detested. I accepted. When i had a look at it I was flying for a second. I am sure no amount of weeds could have done this to anyone what her token of love did to me. It was a small and sweet Lord Ganesha’s that she gave me as a sign of protection, trust, faith,love and devotion. I sweared to God and myself that I would love and care for her in the best way i could. I think I am a nice man. I have changed and i have learned to love and there is something deep down inside me that tells that she would be more than happy all through wid me. From God i ask the strength and sense to make it happen. I half slept that night. Thoughts took me to a lot of territories and to a lot of explorations. I dreamt a lot of things wid eyes wide open. It was a night i wish was a little longer. Still i wanted the day to come soon.

We met again the following day. It was a tough day for her. Still she managed to come. Still she was ready to come. Made me feel better. I had a few things up my sleeve for the day. I recorded a Wish You Were Here on my Acoustica dedicated to her. She was completely mesmerized the last time i sang that to her. I couldnt help myself from givin her a live recording. And i had also compiled a list of my all time best rock ballads. I named it Timeless Love. I was so anxious and eager to give her that.

Together the four of us were sitting at Piccadelhi, a london themed restro pub in  Cannaught Place, Delhi. It was all perfect. The food, the lights and the moods. Super fun time that i never thought would come. The past months had been a horrific nightmare. Things were changing. I shared the gifts i bought for her, we ate wid our heart out, we laughed and clicked photographs together, we talked love and affection and we could see love in each others touch. More than the words the eyes communicated. We strolled by the Central Park, sat at the coffee days, we discussed our pasts and talked irrelevant things. I still have to figure out how she tolerates me.

And we have found a linking for the places we have been to. So much so that we visited the same place again and sat on the same damn chair with same old angles. It revives the memory. The dosage of happier times in the past in present makes us feel more liberated with joy. We have a few things in common. Chocolate ice creams is one of them. She is a chocolate freak. We ordered choco chips with hol melted syrupy chocolate fudge over it. Melting moments. A walk to remember thence. If only we could have stayed more. Still its good to wait. It intensifies the passions. I could see her talk and walk and frown and wink. The conversation she was havin wid Nivi made perfect sense to me. Apart from the usual ladies talk i know what else were they takin about. Someone called me “Sweet” then. I immediately thought that Nivi muss be thinking I’ve become GAY now. That was the word we associated wid “sweet” and “cute”. And Nivi could neither believe that. When i was talkin to Nivi, she popped a question ” Arrun, Is it you Karuna is talking about!! Gosh what has happened to you?”. I know her amazement was more than justified. She knew how stereotyped i was back some time. All i did 24/7 was insults. And had a deep sense of achievements there off. I know i was a pain to many in the past. And i loved that.

Nevertheless, past is neither good nor bad. Its dead and buried. And i have always accepted this fact. I revealed to Nivi that Karuna is going to her home for a week or two. She said “Don’t tell me you are gonna miss her”. I said “I would, badly. Indeed I would”. She burst into laughter. Perhaps due to non belief or may be she never know I could be like that.

I bid Karuna goodbye. I knew we wouldn’t be meeting very soon. But i knew she is everything to me.

Apart from my usual work and the readin and guitaring I do, I had a lil more time. I thought i would write stuffs. I think what i wrote were honest connotations of my heart. Not wrapped in artistic n glittery wordsmithy. I know i am missing her. I hope we would read it sometime in future and remember the things that mattered to much to us. I hope we would smile. And love each other more. Definetely, a start of something immensely beautiful and enchanting.

I dont know what I’ve done in the near past to deserve so much happiness. All at one go. I really wish they arent ephemeral and fade away.  First the zuzaamen wid the ultimate girl that  i could meet in my life, the subsequent engagement wid her in a god knows so less time and then this first official date. A weekend spent in self created anxiety and exuberance, the fragrance of a fresh relationship in bloom, the silent looking at the eyes and then the conscious wink, the desperation to spend all the time together and the soulful wish that Time stay wherever it is. The days that we were together was worth all the goofing up over the phone, waiting at the stations, braving the heat and takin the toil. And i would remember how shez shocked and surprised me at various moments. And how had i irritated her to make mirth. How i wanted to be so with her and how badly i wanted her to smile all the way. And how glad i felt to be a part of her. And how glad i was about my existence. Every fuckin hour. Every wakin moment. She is real. I can feel her.

And the first date got over. And the week went away as if it was made of a few dayz only. The wait and the anticipation was killing but still time flied in a jiffy. There were so much expressions expressed, so much things heard and said and so much happenning. Came again the second First date. Saw another side of her. And i loved her more. Canyt explain how am i holding myslef from sayin those Magic words to her. Let Time come. And a proper place and proper moment. This time she looked merrier,happier and more out of her usual shy skin. She was there as a more lively entity.

As if to make things more colorful the Weather God was at his pleasant best. The mild paws of summer winds were kindda in the right place at the right time. Didn’t expected a better milieu for the date. The hustle of urban wingers arms in arms, the lights from halogens on busy pathways, the eat out places and the ice cream parlours that have witnessed countless love stories in the making and new things happen, a couple of round walks to remember and the subsequent rounds at my favourite hangout. I had it all i can say. Such a perfect weekend. Once again.

And when i was sayin goodye i didnt at all felt bad. There was more coming. Patience and wait pays. I have learnt it in past. I have always waited for things. I was so remembering all thats happenned. It was midnight while i was on my way back. The bike ride at 90 kmph and the gush of air sealed an ending to a perfect day. The food was out of the world and so were the feelings. I slept a content soul. All of my dreams, and all my heart were filled wid memories that i canyt forget at all.

And now i am waiting for the ultimate union with my best buddy, her soulmate and wid the love of mine. This week however the wait seems much longer. I shall wait.